The Stupidest Argument Dean and Cas Ever Had
by Daria234
Summary: Dean/human!Cas slash humorfic. Someone tells the story of the dumbest fight they ever had, and it was on Valentine's Day. References to sexually explicit comments and brief references to painful canon events. Also, this is very, very, very cracky.


SUPER CRACKY Dean/Cas Valentine's fic. For the prompt "the stupidest argument they ever had." The argument is talked about, after it happens, by a third party.

"It went like this:

Dean asked Cas what he wanted to do for Valentine's Day, and Cas started talking about how holidays are all secularized. And Dean was all, 'Fine, ruin Valentine's Day. But you'd better not get me candy hearts that taste like chalk.'

Cas was all, 'Why would you eat chalk?'

And Dean was all, 'You know, those candy hearts, that say things like "U R Cool" with the letters U and R.'

'So these are candy hearts that text message you?' Cas said.

'No, they're little candy hearts that kids give to - never mind.'

'Dean I do not understand why you persist in making references I could not possibly understand.'

'Sorry, but it's frustrating.'

'Yes, you are very frustrating but that does not answer the question.'

'No, it's frustrating that you don't know human stuff.'

'I have known love and anger and despair and weakness and mortality and I should think that is more important than chalky hearts.'

'Fine, sorry Cas, no need to get your panties in a twist.'

'I am not wearing panties. I no longer have the power to make panties immediately appear after your request, Dean. If you want me to wear panties then you will need to make a request in a timely matter so provisions can be made.'

'Provisions? What kind of provisions?'

'The obtainment of funds and the selection and purchase -"

'Fine, whatever. I didn't mean- that's not the point. It's just you don't seem to care very much about learning human ways.'

'I have researched many of the things you call 'human ways,' Dean, and have found that only a very small percentage of people think that the music of AC/DC is a fundamental part of the human condition. Granted, there is a much larger portion who think that Star Wars is, but it is still small in number and very much based on location and generation.'

'So? AC/DC rocks. So does Star Wars.'

'No, Dean. I have researched them on the Internet and have concluded that they both, to some degree, suck balls. Which, apparently, is considered a way of expressing negativity. Why exactly would people on the Internet think that it's a bad thing to have one's balls sucked?'

'It's an expression, Cas, okay? Wait, did you just say that my music and movies suck balls?'

'If that means that I do not understand their appeal, then yes. But why do I need to understand any of this to be human? Why do I need to know about your music and your candy shaped like internal organs?' Cas sighed in frustration.

'Excuse me for wanting us to do something romantic for Valentine's Day. I assumed YOU would want to.'

'Why? I don't understand romance.'

'What do you mean you don't understand romance?'

'From what I can see, romance is just pretending that one is trying to seduce someone even though a sexual relationship has already been established.'

'So what, you think I'm a sure thing? Just because we've been dated for a while?' Dean asked, seeming to be genuinely offended.

'Dean, I believe you have always been a "sure thing" for everyone who has offered sexual relations with you.'

'Did you just call me a man-slut?'

'What is a man-slut?' Cas asked.

'A guy who humps everything.'

'Everything in the universe?'

'No, just a guy who humps all the time.'

'Oh. Yes, you are a man-slut. Is it really necessary for me to know this term?'

'You shouldn't call me that at all!'

'I didn't._ You_ did. Why are you upset?' Cas asked.

'You can't just say things like that to people!'

'Oh... Is this one of those "man" things? Like I'm not allowed to say "You cry a lot," or "Sometimes I imagine your penis is larger?" or "Your cum tastes terrible"?'

'YOU GUYS HAVE GOT TO START HAVING THESE ARGUMENTS IN PRIVATE! I CAN'T LISTEN TO THIS!' Sam finally yelled, covering his ears and running out.

'Why is Sam acting like such a little bitch?' Cas asked.

'That's exactly what I was about to say,' Dean said.

And then they grinned. And just like that, they forgot why they ever argued in the first place and had make-up sex in Sam's bed while he was out. But all in all, that was probably the stupidest argument they ever had."

Chuck smiled as he looked at the crowd at the Supernatural convention. The woman who had asked the question then repeated, "But my question was, how do they celebrate Valentine's Day."

"Oh. They went out to dinner and then watched some porn," Chuck said.

"Thank you," she said, and sat back down, whispering to the person next to her, "The author is not at all what I expected."

At the back of the room, Sam glared at Dean and Cas. "I KNEW those were different sheets than when I left," Sam grumbled.

"That was very interesting to hear from a third party how antagonistic you are," Cas observed.

"Me? What about you? You're like the Energizer Bunny of saying horrible things," Dean said.

"Well, you are the Jenna Jamison of rubbing cum all over your stomach," Cas said.

"That's not how analogies work," Dean said.

"I need to go wash out my ears," Sam mumbled, as Chuck continued to ramble to a crowd of strangers about their innermost secrets, while his brother and his brother's angelboyfriend bickered about pop culture while talking explicitly about their sex life.

Sam was beginning to miss the Pit.


End file.
